I'm sorry, Hillary

Four years ago, when we lost the election, I cried. I knew it meant four more years of what we'd had. I knew it meant four more years of war. I knew it meant four years to pack the Supreme Court.

When the rumblings began that Hillary would run for president, I pushed them aside. I didn't let myself believe. I told myself--I told my husband--that Hillary would never succeed. The sexist country that we are wouldn't elect a woman to the presidency. I heard the news reports. I listened to them say how polarizing she was. I believed that.

Then I came home for a visit and heard my brother-in-law, one of the last I would expect, say that he hoped Hillary ran because he wanted to vote for her. My mind slowly began to change. Hillary announced she was running and I was excited, but still not able to put my heart and soul into it. I couldn't let myself hope.

I'd had such admiration for Hillary for such a long time, but I had a hard time allowing myself to believe she could be elected. I let the bit of doubt I had creep into my mind. For that, I feel extremely guilty now.

Why couldn't I be totally open to the idea that Hillary COULD and WOULD win the nomination? Why did I let the doubt creep in? I watched the polls. She was way ahead. I wanted to hope so badly. I still couldn't. I was worried about the same kind of kick in the stomach I'd felt in 2004. Now I feel guilty. Shame on me for not just believing from the beginning.

Shame on me for not standing up from day one. At some point, maybe it was after she won New Hampshire, I let the belief in. I let it take over and I began to hope and dream. Yes, us Clinton supporters have hopes and dreams, too!

And now, as I watch her being declared out, I don't believe it, but I hate myself for not standing up more strongly and for not yelling as loudly as I could for Hillary. I am mad at myself for not being there, for not calling everyone I knew from day one. I know in my heart that Hillary Clinton is the best candidate to lead this country. I know that she has the best plans. I know that she is the one we need.

In the morning, I'll go vote. I'll mark my ballot. I've made phoneo calls and done what I can here.

I promise that if this goes the way we need it to, I WILL be there. I will give more. I will do more. I will do everything in my power to get Hillary Clinton elected. I promise. No more doubts. Somehow, some way, the status quo has to change.

As women, we are made to feel a step below. We're told as little girls we can do anything, but it seems that when the truth comes out, we are held back at times. We have to change that. Now is the time to do that. As women, we need to work together--as women, as mothers. We have to do this.